Christmas Past and Present

Christmas has always been defined as a time for family get togethers, games and fun. This year, my Mother came to spend Christmas at my house for the first time . . . EVER. As a matter of fact, my entire family was under the same roof celebrating the birth of Christ. It was honestly surreal and difficult, leading me to reflect on my past. Christmas as a child meant no presents, no Christmas tree, no games, no fun and no family time. Christmas was just another day and not to be celebrated in any way.

In my adult years, I have worked very hard at putting the past behind me and making new traditions focusing on spending time with those I love. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always dreamed of the day I would have a “normal” family life. I wanted so badly to have what all of my friends had growing up, parents who celebrated Christmas, played games and had fun with their children. I spent my childhood years watching in horror as alcohol and drugs wreaked havoc on our lives, stealing precious years and destroying everything it came into contact with. I learned at a very young age, alcohol and drugs never take a vacation.

Returning to school after Christmas break was hard. As a child, it was difficult to answer those questions asked by my teacher when she wanted to know what “fun” things we did for Christmas or what Santa brought us. I answered every single question but I made things up. I simply lied and made my life sound like everyone else. I didn’t want anyone to know the truth and I certainly didn’t want to stand out.

I remember spending many Christmas breaks counting the days my Dad would stay drunk at one time without ever being sober. During one of the most memorable Christmas breaks he was on a 32-day bender. He was sitting in the living room when he became upset. In those days his mood would turn on a dime and it was always in your best interest to watch for those turns so you would have time to get away before his temper really flared and you were caught in a beating. I remember jumping up and running, just past him, out of his reach. It took him a little time to get up and he was on his way stomping to the hallway. I turned just in time to look back to see where he was to see him vomit blood all over the hallway floor and collapse. I was frozen and couldn’t believe me eyes. I remember my Mother screaming at me to call 911. He was taken away that night and admitted to the hospital and then to treatment for the 15th time.

Many other Christmas breaks were spent at my friend’s houses. I often wonder, if my friend’s parents realize the impact they made on me during my childhood. It was from them that I learned what a family could be. They were so kind to me, they cared for me, fed me and let me stay in their homes where I felt safe and loved.

Looking back now, I realize I did experience the love of a “normal” family I had always dreamed of and hoped for as a child. It just looked a little different.