Turn the Page – Live Your Best Life Now

The last few weeks have been a wild rollercoaster ride with the steepest of hills, twists and turns at breakneck speed. We have had countless meetings with specialists either one on one or all together to answer questions and discuss best options. Then the deafening silence follows as each tiny detail of a decision that carries the weight of the world is carefully considered and tirelessly mulled over.

During the last care meeting in my brother’s hospital room, the hospitalist began the most difficult meeting I’ve ever attended. He eloquently provided us with our options. He knew we were praying for a miracle and we were tightly holding on, believing that God would provide in his perfect timing. It was in this meeting we heard those mind numbing words, “there isn’t anything more we can do”. The room fell silent for just a moment and then the hospitalist was peppered with questions, all of the “what ifs” began flying around the room. He compassionately responded to each and every question then ended by stating our miracle can still happen whether or not we chose Hospice. He was going to give us time to talk as a family so we could make the decisions that needed to be made.

Our family conversations brought up more questions so, my other brother and I went out of the room to ask the nurse these questions in the hallway numerous times. It was during one of these trips to the hallway that the nurse informed us her daughter saw us standing in the hall when she was bringing her lunch and she could see two others standing with us during our discussions. I was immediately confused since it was only the three of us in attendance the entire time. She continued by stating her daughter was a medium and has been able to see others since she was 3 years old, she is 19 now. As a matter of fact, she stated, her daughter has 3 spirits who are always with her, telling her things.

I’ve always believed mediums were fake and made up all of their information somehow researching information on others. However, during bible study recently, I learned mediums are real and have been around since biblical times. Additionally, they obtain their information from the dark kingdom. God uses the bible, Jesus and the Holy Spirit to communicate with us. I did not know what this encounter meant and decided I needed to talk to someone who would know.

I attended church the next day for Sunday services and waited to speak to my pastor about what happened. After explaining the situation, I was told my family was under spiritual attack and this was a warning. We needed prayers of protection and to rebuke these spirits in Jesus’ name.

Later that day, I learned that same nurse was working, but did not have my brother as a patient. At the end of her shift, she asked if she could go in and see how my brother was doing. Another family member agreed as they ran down the hall to purchase a soda. Upon returning to my brother’s room, the nurse was on her way out and turned to remind my brother “now remember, what we talked about”. My brother was clearly upset and stated the brunette threatened him. There was some confusion on what he meant because the nurse was blonde and she was alone. My brother stated the blonde nurse was not alone, she had a brunette with her. The brunette threatened him by telling him that he had to die within 3 days or his wife would get hurt. We prayed prayers of protection that night in the name of Jesus. Later, My brother stated he could see people he didn’t know who had entered his room before we prayed. However, after we prayed they got up and left his room. They did not return.

The next morning, I called my pastor asking for more direction on what occurred the night before. We discussed any possible avenues that could have been opened to the dark kingdom and that those openings needed to be renounced. A phone call informed me that my brother was transferred to a new room on another floor of the hospital. I was relieved thinking he would be away from that nurse. As we arrived to his new floor, I was surprised to learn this nurse was now on this floor and had patients on either side of my brother’s room. We informed social services of what had happened with this nurse and requested a different nurse. Our request was granted.

Once all of the family arrived we worshipped the Lord and prayed for healing, our miracle. We renounced any act known or unknown that would have allowed the dark kingdom access to our lives, presently and back through our heritage.

My brother was discharged from the hospital to Hospice. He really wanted to go home and be comfortable. He went to live with Jesus on Friday, January 25th. He saw angels in his last days and told us they don’t look like we think they do. At 5:23 AM on the day of his death, he opened his eyes, held out his arms and in great joy yelled “GOD”. He looked like a child who was jumping into his Father’s arms after a long trip. He was finally home.

The healing miracle we were praying for so persistently was granted. It just looked a little different then we thought. It was better! If God would have healed my brother here on earth, it would have been temporary. The miracle in healing that took place was for all eternity. While we will miss my brother terribly, my heart rejoices knowing that he is living in paradise with Jesus now. He has no more pain, no more sorrow, and he is free from addiction.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart
And do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

As I waited to speak to my brother’s specialists this past week, there are 4 of them now, I jetted back in time to a vivid memory long ago. That happens often when I notice a familiar smell, sound or situational experience. I thought about my Dad who spent so much time in hospitals and treatment centers while I was growing up. The doctor’s wouldn’t say too much in front of the children but would speak in a low tone to my Mom and she would always cry.

We learned alcoholism is a family disease. The alcoholic addiction of one family member effects all of the family members for the rest of their lives! For this reason, Mom informed my brothers and I that we would be attending Alateen. This is a program designed for the younger relatives of alcoholics. I was an angry teenager at this point and I was not going to talk about my Dad’s problem. I was already harboring so much shame, I certainly wasn’t going to share anything with complete strangers. The trips to Alateen only lasted a few times because Dad said there was no problem.

When Dad would drink, it seemed like he was an entirely different person. He would stay up and drink all night long. If he became angry during the night, he would come into the bedroom, flip on the lights, yell, throw things around until they broke and slap or hit some sense (as he said it) into whoever his victim was for that night.

There were those days though, the few and far between when Dad was not drinking. He would sleep at night and be awake during the day. He was the kindest, most fun Dad ever! These were the days that gave me hope that he could be the Dad I had always wanted and so badly needed.

As the years passed by, the fun Dad appeared less and less. Mom was so busy focusing on angry, scary Dad and making certain she was careful to do things exactly the way he wanted, there was no time to spend with us. We often heard the words “We wish we wouldn’t have had any of you kids”.

Words are very powerful tools that carry longevity with them. Words can build and words can destroy. Unfortunately, as children, we heard some very negative and painful things growing up. It took me some time to change my mind about my life and to stop replaying what I had heard so often in my childhood. Ultimately, I decided I didn’t want the past to define my present or my future.

My brother did not take the same path I found. The words spoken to him during our childhood continue to replay in his mind. He was not able to break free from the vicious evil of alcoholism. It does effect the entire family for the rest of their lives.

Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is;
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
So, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely
happy with You forever in the next.
AMEN

Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path.

New Year’s Resolutions . . . I think I have set resolutions every year for as long as I can remember. Last night, as I struggled to stay awake until midnight, I contemplated the purpose of a resolution. Why do we set them every year and why don’t we follow through with them? I came up with an answer – because it’s hard. Many times a resolution is something that requires us to make a life altering change that we are determined to do all by ourselves without any help. Some good examples I remember are joining a gym and going EVERY single day in an effort to get in shape and lose those unwanted pounds or finally getting my finances in order by creating a “super budget”. I even wrote these resolutions down on paper to make them “stick”. Now I realize I was missing a vital piece which was the actual plan to reach my goal along with a support system to help me achieve the goal. I need someone to hold me accountable and to cheer me on when I started to fall away from the goal.

As I write this today, my brother is hospitalized with stage 4 liver disease and alcoholic hepatitis. He is yellow. The doctor’s say his liver is permanently damaged which causes the other organs in his body to believe they are sick too. His kidneys are also damaged. Yesterday, they drained 6 liters of fluid from his abdomen. The next 24 to 48 hours will determine how long he has left to live and his quality of life. He is 49 years old. He began drinking at the young age of 13. His first drink was with my Dad. My Dad’s first drink was when he was 13 with his Dad. My brother has 2 children and has missed the majority of their lives due to alcoholism and a prescription drug addiction. My Dad had 3 children and missed most of our lives due to alcoholism and drug addiction. My Dad’s father had 2 children and missed most of their lives due to alcoholism. Alcohol and drugs do not care about the lives they destroy. Their goal is to attach themselves to as many people as possible and take control. The addict doesn’t see what is happening, they don’t see the pain or experience the loss because they are being controlled. Their entire focus is on that next drink or their next fix. That is the power of these substances.

I remember my brother telling me he was going to stop drinking many years ago. He didn’t need any help because he didn’t drink that much and he could stop at any time. He just had to want to do it. He really didn’t have a “problem”. It was going to be his next New Year’s Resolution. He never got help and now we are waiting to see what this next 24 to 48 hours will bring.

When I think back to my Dad, I remember vividly, he was yellow and he was very sick. He believed he didn’t have a problem with drinking or drugs either. He did go to treatment at least 18 times, after that I lost count. On many occasions, he would be released from a treatment program to come home drunk after celebrating his successful release from the program. This is when his month long benders would begin and the cycle would start over. He never followed through with a support system after treatment to keep him accountable.

My Dad died at the age of 52 from a brain aneurysm caused by his alcoholism. He had 1/4 of a liver left, stomach cancer and countless additional health problems related to drinking. Two days before his death, he had driven from Park River, ND to St. Cloud, MN to admit himself to the VA hospital for some testing and then another round of alcohol treatment. He was found by housekeeping staff in a motel room, unconscious, half-way in the shower and half-way out of the shower with the water running in the shower. The shower curtain was torn down and wrapped around him, just like you would see in a horror movie. The hotel staff called emergency medical personnel who examined him and thought he was dead. The coroner arrived to pronounce him dead. He was placed in a body bag by the coroner when someone noticed the body bag was moving due to his shallow breathing. He was rushed to the hospital in St. Cloud where they determined he had extreme pressure on his brain due to an aneurysm. He had surgery to release the pressure on his brain. The doctors were hoping he would gain brain activity. He never did. He died the next day.

Breaking free from the grip of alcohol and drug addiction is hard. Taking that first step by admitting there is a problem, seeking help and obtaining a support system is vital to survival. Once this is achieved, it’s as though alcohol and drugs act like a jealous ex pursuing relentlessly with empty promises and lies.

God is the only one who knows what lies ahead for my brother. I pray for a miracle. I pray his body is healed and I pray he can be clean and sober. I know this is a choice he has to want for himself. If he could only see how many lives his one life has touched and the plans God has in store for him. I pray he gets a second chance to become the man God created him to be.

Romans 7:15
For I do not understand my own actions [I am baffled and bewildered by them]. I do not practice what I want to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate [and yielding to my human nature, my worldliness – – my sinful capacity].

One of my greatest past times is watching the weather change. I enjoy living in this part of the country because we have 4 seasons. However, I am not so fond of the extreme cold temperatures and wind chills this time of year brings. As a matter of fact, it reminds me of the time I was caught out in the elements without the proper cold weather gear.

It was a sunny Saturday morning in December sometime in the early 80’s. I had just hung up the phone with my friend after making plans for that evening. I could hear the weather guy interrupting The Road Runner and Bugs Bunny show my brothers were watching to warn everyone of a blizzard that would hit our area later that evening. The blizzard was supposed to bring over 12 inches of snow along with air temps and wind chills so it felt like 30 below. I remember looking out the window and thought, no way. It’s beautiful outside.

My friend came to pick me up just like we planned. She was allowed to take her Dad’s car as long as we stayed in town. We had planned to “cruise Main” which meant driving up and down the same road for hours turning around in the bank parking lot. As I left the house, my Mother warned me not to leave town that the weather was going to get worse and colder. As I jumped in the car, I yelled back that we were going to stay in town. I slammed the passenger car door and we were off.

It started to snow a little harder while we were cruising main. We laughed at the weather man and his warnings of a blizzard. It wasn’t bad out at all. He obviously had no idea what he was talking about. We quickly got bored and decided we were going to drive to Fordville which was roughly 22 miles away to the south of Park River, ND. We decided we had better take the backroads so my friend’s Dad or his friend’s would not see us leaving town.

As we left town, the snow intensified and so did the wind. That didn’t stop us though, we were determined and bored. We headed straight south out of town and drove for roughly 8 miles. We came to the end of that road and needed to turn either left or right. We turned right and ran into large snow drifts over the road. My friend sped up so we could make it through them without getting stuck. There was one particularly large drift coming up, we could not see the other side of this drift. The car sped up, gracefully floated on top of the drift and then dropped straight down. The car immediately turned off. It was buried up to the windows in a giant snow drift! My friend tried to turn the car back on but it was dead. We rolled down the windows and crawled out. Both of us stood on top of the snow drift and looked around. We were in the middle of the country, it was dark and snowing along with the wind that was blowing hard. In the distance, we could see a farm light, there was one in the same direction we were headed and another behind us. They both seemed to be the same distance from us and they didn’t seem that far away. We argued as to which way to go and decided to continue on in the same direction we were headed. We stayed together and began walking on top of the snow. It was hard to tell where the road was. Neither of us were dressed to walk any distance in a blizzard with 30 below wind chill. We didn’t have hats, mittens, boots or proper coats. It was strange to realize the longer we walked the warmer we got. Our coats were unzipped as we warmed up and there were times we had to sit down and rest. It was exhausting. That farm light seemed like it kept moving farther away the longer we walked.

After walking for what seemed like forever, we finally reached the light! I was never so happy to see a farmhouse. It was a rambler style house and there were lights on! The front door was unlocked, we let ourselves in without knocking. I am certain we scared the man who lived there half to death. He was sitting in his living room watching the news. At the same time, we both began telling him what happened. The heat in the house actually hurt my entire body. I stopped talking and let my friend continue with our story. I sat down on the floor next to the heater and closed my eyes. The next time I opened them I was surprised to see paramedics who were asking me questions but I could not find my voice. My entire body was in pain. I closed my eyes. When I opened my eyes again I found myself in a brightly lit room and I could hear my parents yelling at each other. I learned I was in the emergency room back in my hometown and I had frostbite. I did not want to have to answer any parental questions so I just laid there until the doctor came in. My ears were severely frostbitten. There was concern of infection so I would need to be on antibiotics. The tips of my finger and toes also had a touch of frostbite.

I don’t remember how I got home but found myself in my bed the next morning. My ears were on fire when I woke up! I looked at myself in the mirror and my ears were swollen and HUGE! They had large ugly blisters on them.

My ears, fingers and toes did heal fully, however, they are very sensitive to the cold weather. I learned later that we walked 3 miles to that light in the distance. The other light we saw was only a light with a grain bin. There was no farmhouse and no source of heat in that location. The car we drove had to be towed and put in a heated garage to melt all of the snow and ice packed in the engine. I still don’t know who that man was that I am sure we scared half to death barging into his home half frozen. I almost forgot to mention, that road we were driving on was a road that was closed for the winter.

When I think about this experience, I am overwhelmed with the realization of God’s guidance and protection in the midst of my terrible decisions. I did not know God at this time in my life but he was there with me, guiding me through the circumstances I put myself in.

Psalm 17:8
Keep me [in Your affectionate care, protect me]
as the apple of Your eye;
Hide me in the [protective]
shadow of Your wings

Christmas has always been defined as a time for family get togethers, games and fun. This year, my Mother came to spend Christmas at my house for the first time . . . EVER. As a matter of fact, my entire family was under the same roof celebrating the birth of Christ. It was honestly surreal and difficult, leading me to reflect on my past. Christmas as a child meant no presents, no Christmas tree, no games, no fun and no family time. Christmas was just another day and not to be celebrated in any way.

In my adult years, I have worked very hard at putting the past behind me and making new traditions focusing on spending time with those I love. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always dreamed of the day I would have a “normal” family life. I wanted so badly to have what all of my friends had growing up, parents who celebrated Christmas, played games and had fun with their children. I spent my childhood years watching in horror as alcohol and drugs wreaked havoc on our lives, stealing precious years and destroying everything it came into contact with. I learned at a very young age, alcohol and drugs never take a vacation.

Returning to school after Christmas break was hard. As a child, it was difficult to answer those questions asked by my teacher when she wanted to know what “fun” things we did for Christmas or what Santa brought us. I answered every single question but I made things up. I simply lied and made my life sound like everyone else. I didn’t want anyone to know the truth and I certainly didn’t want to stand out.

I remember spending many Christmas breaks counting the days my Dad would stay drunk at one time without ever being sober. During one of the most memorable Christmas breaks he was on a 32-day bender. He was sitting in the living room when he became upset. In those days his mood would turn on a dime and it was always in your best interest to watch for those turns so you would have time to get away before his temper really flared and you were caught in a beating. I remember jumping up and running, just past him, out of his reach. It took him a little time to get up and he was on his way stomping to the hallway. I turned just in time to look back to see where he was to see him vomit blood all over the hallway floor and collapse. I was frozen and couldn’t believe me eyes. I remember my Mother screaming at me to call 911. He was taken away that night and admitted to the hospital and then to treatment for the 15th time.

Many other Christmas breaks were spent at my friend’s houses. I often wonder, if my friend’s parents realize the impact they made on me during my childhood. It was from them that I learned what a family could be. They were so kind to me, they cared for me, fed me and let me stay in their homes where I felt safe and loved.

Looking back now, I realize I did experience the love of a “normal” family I had always dreamed of and hoped for as a child. It just looked a little different.